Shit's Crazy

The Ultimate Oscar Bait

Plot: Brave young black man with pseudo-magical powers falls in love with ugly white woman in 1930s Alabama. Ugly white woman spends half of every day in a dream world, where she interacts with almost-human tree people. Her time with the tree people teaches her the value of racial equality and helps her overcome her racist white father’s ways. White family has a black servant who turns out to be the brave young black man’s cousin.

Here are the Oscars and their reasons:

Actor in a Leading Role: Hip-Hop star Drake makes his serious drama debut as a young black man with feelings. Everyone is surprised he can cry on camera. Oscar time, son.

Actress in a Leading Role: Scarlett Johanssen has to act under eight pounds of prosthetics to make her ugly. Instant Oscar. Beautiful actress acts ugly always wins (The Hours, Boys Don’t Cry, Monster, Monster’s Ball, Iron Lady…)

Actor in a Supporting Role: Sir Ian McKellen portrays a racist, homophobic southern man and is believable enough. Old guy who’s been snubbed for decades always wins, especially if he’s a gay British man playing a homophobic American.

Actress in a Supporting Role: Strong, black woman with feelings. The white family’s servant. Who gives a shit who it is, she’s going to win. Think Gabby Sidibe, Jenny Hudson, Octavia Spencer.

Score: Legendary film composer Hans Zimmer collaborates with director-musician Robert Rodriguez, who adds his tex-mex guitar flavor to get that southern feel. Just new enough to be something different. Oscar time, amigo.

Original Song: Star Drake collaborates with country music legend Willie Nelson and Robert Rodriguez to deliver a heart breakingly moving love song to the ugly white woman. Something for everybody.

Special Effects: Weta Workshop. See below.

Visual Effects: Weta Digital. The company behind all the effects in Lord of the Rings, King Kong and the new Apes. Andy Serkis (Gollum, King Kong, Apes) plays the tree people on set in a motion capture suit. The dream world with the tree people is mind blowing for no special reason.

Sound Editing: See below.

Sound Mixing: The guys who did the Transformers movies, I don’t know who they are. The soundscape of the dream world and the 30s Alabama is woven together seamlessly. Ooo.

Costume Design: Period costumes done right. The ugly white woman has different fantastical outfits every time she enters the dream world. Let’s say… Sandy Powell. She did Gangs of New York and The Tempest.

Makeup: I don’t care who does it, but making ScarJo ugly? Yeah.

Art Direction: Let’s say Stuart Craig. He did The English Patient and Bagger Vance (30s Alabama should be easy) not to mention all the Harry Potters (dream world, check).

Original Screenplay: They hire a team of two professionals. Can you go wrong with my story? No.

Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki. He did Ali, Tree of Life and Children of Men. Gritty and real with a strong dreamy and ethereal quality. Gorgeous.

Best Director: One of the most versatile and professional directors around, Steven Soderbergh is hired to somehow balance this clusterfuck of awesome into a single film. Think Erin Brockovich meets Che. With magic tree people.

Best Film: Well, duh.

That’s seventeen. I’m bored now.

Shit’s crazy.

An Explorer’s Manifesto

As I sat there, surrounded by my peers, I felt safe in knowing what I had been taught. Certainly certainty provides a peace of mind. But a piece of my mind was not at peace. I couldn’t remember where the thought had come from, but that was irrelevant. If someone had made everything that was, where did that someone come from? If there was something before that someone, couldn’t there have been everything? More importantly, if there was something before that someone, how did that something come to be? It stood to reason then to question the very purpose of that someone. And so, in one moment, they were no longer my peers. I no longer knew what I had known with such certainty and certainly no longer felt safe.

The metaphorical fruit had been symbolically eaten from the proverbial tree of knowledge. I was forever banished from the tranquil garden into the vast unknown. The divine light of knowledge was gone, replaced by the darkness of uncertainty. Fear came over me. I remembered that when we are overcome with fear, our faith will give us courage. What then, was I supposed do, when that faith was gone, never to return? What was I to do, when I knew nothing and there was no one I could trust to tell me the truth?

I could find out.

I could look at the world, listen to it, feel it. I could take a tiny speck of that vast unknown and examine it until I thought I understood it. I could take another speck, compare it to the previous one, draw conclusions and throw those conclusions out after examining the third speck. Every answer led to more questions, but these questions were better than the ones I had asked before. More precise, more concise, less presumptuous.

I knew less now than I had ever known before, but somehow, that uncertainty was no longer dark. Fear had been replaced by wonder. The curiosity had given the cat a new life. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil, for there is no such thing. The valley can be illuminated and the shadows banished. As I stand on the edge of darkness, I need not take a leap of faith, for I can see the edge stretch out into the darkness, as far as I dare go.

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part seven)

1. What does your product resemble? (for example: butter, iPhone, rape etc.)
2. Add the phrase “I can’t believe it’s not”.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! (margarine)
I Can’t Believe It’s Not an iPhone! (the google phone)
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Rape! (she was drunk but ghb wasn’t involved, i swear)

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part six)

1. What is your product? One word answer. (for example: phone, mac, land)
2. Add a lowercase I.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

iPhone
iMac
iLand

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part five)

1. Make the product pocket-sized.
2. Add “in your pocket” to the name.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

Sweep-O In Your Pocket
ShamWow In Your Pocket
Comfortabley In Your Pocket
Cellphone In Your Pocket

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part four)

1. How does the product make you feel? One word answer. (for example: nice, angry, comfortable etc.)
2. Add “ie” or “y”.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

Nicey
Snuggie
Angryie
Comfortabley

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part three)

1. Lobotomize yourself.
2. During the process, scream for your life.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

Google
ShamWow
Siufnweuncaaaaaaaaab
Sarah Palin

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part two)

1. What does it do? Name two things. (for example: sweep and spin, spin and suck etc.)
2. Combine the words. Use ‘n’ if necessary.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

Sweep’n’Spin
SpinSucker

Shit’s crazy.

Naming products (part one)

1. What does it do? One word answer. (for example: sweep, spin, suck etc.)
2. Add the letter O.
3. ???
4. Profit!

I used this formula and look what I came up with!

Sweep-O
Spinno
Sucko

Shit’s crazy.